So many people have asked me if I'm excited, and I always pause before responding, unsure of what to say. Occasionally I would say 'yes' because I just didn't have the energy to explain to someone why on earth a 19 year old isn't raring to move away, party all the time, be with new people, 'barely' study (yes, someone had the nerve to say that!) and get in large amounts of debt regardless of the fact that she still was suffering culture shock from coming home and dreading going through it all over again. Occasionally I said 'no' and broke down (thankfully a rarity saved for only the closest people). The honest answer? I have no idea! I have a lot of anxieties about this next chapter of life and doubts as to my suitability, but I am excited, regardless. Perhaps expectant is a better way of putting it. I am expectant as I will be in new, testing situations, academically and socially, in an alien environment. But looking back on this last year, that's a beautiful place to be because it's where the extraordinary happens and where you're chiseled and refined.
I haven't always been this coherent. Just on Monday I was on the tube in London desperately wondering why I am in this situation?! I fully believe I am in the centre of God's will in my going to uni, He's even been gracious enough to confirm it to me several times in my severely wobbly moments. But knowing God's will doesn't make it much easier to follow through, as many would assume. Oftentimes, I thought that if I just knew what I should do and where I should go, life would be so much easier. What if your will and God's don't line up? He's called me to uni, but in my humble opinion, I would prefer it if He'd called me back to Africa, back to missions, because that's where my heart is, with the completely gorgeous Stuarts and Nicos of Uganda.
But. But I love Uganda. But I've had a year off. But I can't dance. But I'm scared. But, but, but. I've found these phrases clouding my mind so often recently, pleading with God, showing Him that really, He's in the wrong place. Basically telling Him my way is better and that He's made a mistake. Yep, I am guilty of telling the one who made everything, who knows all the hairs on my head and on your right arm, I'm telling Him that He's wrong. The loving Father who gave up His Son to win you and I back into His embrace, the One who over and over has told me this is the right thing to do, who promises that He is there every step...
It's at times like these we should take a step back and take off our self-centred blinkers. Who am I to tell the Creator that He's in the wrong? Since when has that ever been the case? He works all for the good of those who love Him, so how can I think I know better? I don't even know what to wear tomorrow, what to eat for breakfast. I can only see one very small stitch of the huge and beautiful tapestry that God's weaving.
But. Jesus has the most beautiful 'but' of all time (read this how you like; it's late and I've been in the depths of packing!): "Yet not my will but yours be done". If Jesus can pray that on the eve of his humiliating and painful murder, then I can certainly pray it on the eve of my move. I can, and I choose to, give up my desires and to fully embrace God's infinitely superior plan for my life. Freshers week here I come!
P.S. I will endeavour (no pun intended, Morse fans) to keep you up to date with how life as a student really is, but forgive me if I'm not regular or frequent in these insights as, contrary to some people's thoughts, I will have a lot of other studious things to do. Love you all.
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